Daily Humors

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If Everyone Had Their Own Magazine Posted: 29 Aug 2009 07:36 AM PDT

50 Funny People You Should Be Following On Twitter Posted: 29 Aug 2009 07:25 AM PDT Twitter may seem like a lot of work--yet another way you have to keep up with people's boring minutia and thoughts on Michael Jackson's doctor. But it doesn't have to be! If you pick the right folks to follow (comedians who are not only hilarious in real life but on Twitter too) the whole thing can be fun. Name/Twitter Name/Bio Neal Brennan/@nealbrennan/Co-Creator, "Chappelle's Show"; Director, "The Goods" What You Can Expect A BJ Novak #failedsexualpositions Stephen Colbert/@StephenAtHome/"Colbert Report" the recession is over and people are celebrating in the streets. oh, i'm sorry, those are unemployment lines  Andy Borowitz/@borowitzReport/Stand-Up, Writer Good news: the high levels of weed killer in our drinking water means we can kill the weeds on our lawn just by peeing on it. Judah Friedlander/@JudahWorldChamp/"30 Rock" It was my Alaskan fart that forced Palin out of office. Paul Feig/@paulfeig/Creator, "Freaks and Geeks" If people would stop calling it a Christmas tree, I could get away with it. Just think of it as a fancy, dressed-up bush. Okay? Please??? Matt Besser/@MattBesser/Stand-Up, UCB Icon Old Sayings by Michael Vick: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can pull out all its teeth and torture it. Adam McKay/@GhostPanther/Director, Funny or Die Founder I think i discovered a new truism. Huff diesal fuel and masturbate on an overpass and you will meet new people. Joel McHale/@joelmcHale/Host, "The Soup" If I hear that "I kissed a girl song" one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the ears. David Wain/@davidwain/Director, Comedian I tried to go sailing today but am way too Jewish. Rob Corddry/@robcorddry/"Daily Show" I never lock the bathroom door. If someone walks in on me I yell "GET THE FUCK IN HERE!". It always works. Mindy Kaling/@mindykaling/Actress & Writer, "The Office" Final Destination is amazing cuz Death is the psycho killer. The same Death from like, The Civil War and Titanic. Aziz Ansari/@azizansari /"Parks & Recreation," "Human Giant" Entourage Episode Idea 1: E can't get cell service, Turtle gets a bad haircut, Drama has an ingrown toe nail, and Vince eats a banana. Seth Meyers/@sethmeyers21/Head writer, "SNL" Favre is to decisions what Vick is to dogs Bill Maher/@billmaher/"Real Time with Bill Maher" Dancing with the scum - Tom Delay is on the dancing show?!! You know who loved to waltz? Stalin. Was David Duke unavailable? Sarah Silverman/@SarahKSilverman/"Sarah Silverman Program" Diarrhea would be a beautiful name if it didn't mean diarrhea Ben Stiller/@RedHourBen/"Meet the Parents," Many Other Films Just watched Hannah Montanah with my 7yr. old. We had wildly divergent experiences of the movie. Paul Scheer/@paulscheer/"Human Giant" Thought 500 Days of Summer did a great job setting up Cobra Commander's character in GI Joe. It is a prequel, right? Aisha Tyler/@aishatyler/Stand-Up, "Friends" Sun & I'm back in front of the computer. Whomever said this biz was glamorous never worked for it. And their name rhymes w/'Baris Wilton.' Baratunde Thurston/@baratunde/Stand-Up, The Onion overheard at airport: Douchbag #1 "i hate children on planes." Douchebag #2: "I hate children pretty much anywhere"  Michael Showalter/@mshowalter/"Michael & Michael Have Issues" I am proud to say that, at least for now, Michael Ian Black has less than one million more followers than I do. Joy Behar/@JoyVBehar/"The View" Why do straight men not like to admit that they watch the View? Jon Daly/@jondaly/Stand-Up Hollywood Tips: Scream this at a party- "Jimmy Camz is a lazy fuck! Im like let ME steer this Titanic! Hes like-Can't help it, I love you!" Alex Blagg/@alexblagg/Writer Sorry Ernest Hemingway, but "Slain Model Identified By Breast Implants" is the saddest six-word story every told. Greg Johnson/@thegregjohnson/Stand-Up Sorority Row is coming out on 9/11. Incidentally, that movie is the new 9/11. Tim Heidecker/@timheidecker/"Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job" Almost had my phone confiscated trying to take pic of girl wearing silver SEINFELD belt buckle at airport. Didn't get the shot. :(  Peter Serafinowicz/@serafinowicz/British Comedian Laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine. Gabe Liedman/@gabeliedman/Stand-Up RUE MCLANAHAN AND TINY LESLIE FROM 'WILL AND GRACE' AT COMIX 2GETHER?? anyone want to lend me $10,000, to buy every ticket??? Steve Agee/@steveagee/"Sarah Silverman Program" I've officially just watched every porn there is on the internet...even the gross ones. Sarah Haskins/@sarah_haskins/"InfoMania" Going to see Potter tonight. What is this "mild sensuality" the MPAA is warning me about? They finally learn the spell "Accio rubbers"? Bob Powers/@bobpowers1/Stand-Up, Writer On a hot day like today I just wanna belly up to the bar, look the creepy gay bartender in the eye and say, "Disaronno on the rocks." Todd Barry/@toddbarry/Stand-Up Spent Delta flight from Charleston writing complaint letter to Delta about Delta flight to Charleston.  Michael Ian Black/@michaelianblack/"Michael & Michael Have Issues" In Spain. Saw some incredibly sexy chests on the topless beach. Some of the ladies looked good, too. Greg Fitzsimmons/@GregFitzShow/Stand-Up, Writer Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence. Paul Tompkins/@PFTompkins/"Best Week Ever" Heading to the wedding of dear friends in Massachusetts. Via train. You know what that means-- *sigh*-- there's sure to be a murder mystery. Mike Birbiglia/@birbigs/Stand-Up There are things money can't buy. And Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them. Ellen DeGeneres/@TheEllenShow/"Ellen," "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" Celebrity sighting of the day: Portia de Rossi, eating lunch in my kitchen! Baron Vaughn/@barvonblaq/Stand-Up I wanna punch the Palm Pre redheaded girl in the translucent face. John Hodgman/@HODGMAN/Expert i'll just tell you everything that happens as it happens. i'm rick sanchezing it Eugene Mirman/@eugenemirman/Stand-Up I just remembered — saw a baby's dick on a train last week. Sorry I forgot to tell you guys. Eric Wareheim/@ericwareheim/"Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job" Anyone at the dodgers now? If so, streak with me. Headed on the field at 8:30! Dave Hill/@mrDaveHill/Stand-Up, Writer I am going out. My parents asked when I would be coming home and I told them I was going to stay out as long as I want! Jim Gaffigan/@jimgaffigan/"My Boys" Quiche, I don't care what they say about you. I think you're fabulous. Wait, did I just say fabulous? Quiche what have u done to me? Julie Klausner/@Julieklausner/Stand-Up, Writer WE is showing 9 to 5 and Oxygen is showing Steel Magnolias. I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. Don't say "go outside." Mo Rocca/@MoRocca/Comedian & Commentator Write Donald Trump and demand term limits for Miss Universe. Venezuela must be stopped! Jon Friedman/@friedmanjon/Blogger, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon I was going to start an account called Twitney Houston and tweet out 140 characters worth of Whitney Houston song lyrics but then I didn't. Gabriel Delahaye/@GabrielDelahaye/Blogger, Videogum I am trying to decide if my new screenplay, "Bob and Weave," is going to be about a boxer named Bob or a hairdresser named Bob. Rainn Wilson/@RainnWilson/"The Office" Tomorrow is the next day which can be the first day of the rest of your life because today is like half over.  Max Silvestri/@maxsilvestri/Stand-Up For me, growing up is realizing that Black Sheep is nowhere near as good as Tommy Boy, no matter how much you want it to be. Patrick Borelli/@patrickborelli/Stand-Up Even if someone's baby looks EXACTLY like an extremely exhausted Gene Hackman, don't say it out loud. That will piss the parents off. Rob Huebel/@RobHuebel/"Human Giant" After swimming in the ocean sat, I saw on the news there was a great white shark in the water. So bummed I missed a kick-ass death!

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