Invention is central to human advancement. It has made heroes out of innovators like Thomas Jefferson and the first porn starlet to postulate "Well, why not in the butt?". Invention can take the shape of a life-saving medicine, technology that links the edges of the world closer, or something actually important like this:
Sierra Nevada set aside some time from making delicious liver repellent to use their leftovers and craft brew some biofuel. It is an efficient fuel that outperforms Coors in national taste tests. Now if they can only find a way to deep fry it and integrate it on my cell phone, it will be the greatest American invention to date.
Of course not every idea is created equal. Some inventions fail to address a pressing need, others look like the result of monkeys ejaculating ink on to a patent application. I've decided to celebrate the latter.
Mimi Switch (or iTourettes)
The design of most handheld gadgets continues to converge on nanotechnology. Soon their tiny interfaces will invalidate our opposable thumbs, an advantage that kept mankind from making its last mark 12,000 years ago in a pile of sabre-tooth dung.
You'll wonder "How did I ever live without an iPod fitted for my nostril before?"!
One man decided to solve that problem. That man failed.
Inventor Kazuhiro Taniguchi has developed a hands-free apparatus that can be used to control any electronic device. It is a micro-computer connected to ear mounts that use sensors to detect changes in facial expression. Allow me to demonstrate how this would work to control a mp3 player, using stills from a video of this girl making different faces on command for 4 minutes (arguably the least bizarre video to come out of Japan to date):
Taniguchi believes there are still vast expanses of crazy this has yet to explore. "It monitors natural movements of the face in everyday life and accumulates data," Taniguchi told AFP in an interview. "If it judges that you aren't smiling enough, it may play a cheerful song." I hope you'll forgive us if we don't turn our psychiatric care over to the country that birthed tentacle fucking.
Jim wasn't sure if he wanted to live or die. Katrina And The Waves reminded him to find his gun.
Peekaru
The immediate bond forged between mom and baby is as essential as it is endearing. While some mammals are able to walk and feed just minutes out of the womb, human evolution has opted to hatch us as pink sacks of helplessness. Any product designed to facilitate our nurturing is valuable, though occasionally the line between bonding and bondage is crossed:
The Peekaru (not to be mistaken for Pikachu's degenerate Peeping Tom cousin from discarded Pokemon lore) can tote your papoose in a variety of positions, but lots of carriers do that. This is the only one that makes it look like your child is traversing space-time and emerging from a wormhole in your chest. Come to think of it, this is more reminiscent of another sci-fi reference:
At least she isn't being a little bitch about it like Kane was
USB Cigarettes
I generally assume this blog is geared at adults. More specifically, emotionally stunted adults like myself, but technically adults nonetheless. On the off-chance there are any kids reading this, I do have some wisdom I'd like to impart.
Cigarettes make you so goddamned cool.
It's undeniable. Sure, medical professionals claim they will kill you, but they aren't telling you the whole truth. Statistics show that 93% of non-smokers declare deathbed remorse for how many uncool years they slaved through. The other 7% were decapitated and thus said nothing, but probably would echo the same. If you doubt the power of the cigarette, I direct you to Exhibit A:
Now observe what happens when I use photoshop to remove the cigarette:
Horrifying, right? Don't worry - this doesn't have to happen to you. You can get cigarettes at any convenience store, supermarket or smokeshop. Or, if that is too complicated, you can go to thankyo.jp, place an order, wait a week or two for delivery and then make sure your computer is running so you can plug one of these absurd things in:
Despite looking like something a blow-up doll would smoke after sex, it's not a gag. It's an actual nicotine atomizer that provides a smoker's high without all that pesky augmentation of sex appeal. If you want to smoke something that carries about as much cachet as a bubblegum cigar, this may be your dream peripheral.
Mmmmm...tastes like emasculation
Worse still, this product sets a dangerous precedent. Not to invoke the "slippery slope" logic, but if USB cigarettes catch on, can THIS be far behind?:
"brb - chasing the dragon"
Foot Pee! Pack
Finally! A system that allows me to trap urine around my feet that is both easy AND surprise!
The Foot Pee! Pack makes two important assumptions - that you want to hold piss captive against your feet and that you'll be compelled to do it more than once. I'd question whether or not urine is even good for your feet, but it's no crazier than injecting botulism into your face.
"If you think my frozen forehead is unsettling, wait until you smell the piss on my feet!"
There are some who allege urine is uniquely suited to smooth out and clean your skin. I can't speak toward its efficacy. It could well be the beauty secret that the all-powerful cosmetics lobby doesn't want you to know about. I believe it's important to keep an open mind, especially about issues that may provide a counter-argument to my wife's insistence that I not pee in the shower. It's ME-TIME, damnit.
USB Stripper
It also ships with tiny dollar bills
Most oddball USB trinkets fit the same niche of serving no discernible function, costing around $10, and becoming a stale joke after about 45 seconds of service. Nobody is sure where these increasingly asinine ideas are coming from, but my theory is CarrotTop somehow found time out of his busy schedule of freaking me out to form a thinktank:
"It's a USB 'Blue Tooth'! Get it? Get it?"
Klingon Themed Nursery
A bassinet that is equally suited for both bedding and cooking a baby
As ferocious as this looks, it's actually pretty benign. Unless that mobile entertains the baby with rapid stabbing motions rather than spinning, the baby is cradled safely away from danger. I applaud the designer's savvy in commemorating their fandom without putting an innocent, fragile life in harm's wa....
..oh fuck me. Never mind. I don't mind letting a kid learn things the hard way, but there's no way my kid will be shouting "Giddyup, Stabby!" on this rocking horse before they've reached Jak'tahla.
Yes, I made a Klingon joke. No, I'm not proud of myself either.
Pillow Wig
It took 40 scientists working around the clock for two years to develop a sleeping aparatus less dignified than this, but I'd say the above officially represents Mission Accomplished.
In reality this is just part of a pretty ingenius art collection and not something marketed for public purchase, but what does it say about their culture that I assumed otherwise?
Pee-kneeler
The Emasculatron 3000 Ships In A Variety Of Feminine Colors That Shouldn't Bother A Sissy Like You In The Least
I'm as sicked out as anyone when I encounter a puddle of misfires surrounding a perfectly accessible urinal. Nobody wants to get pee on their feet, right, First Section Of This Article? However, I don't think anything that brings men closer to that porcelain petri dish is the answer.
I prefer to address the issue with outreach and education. Through targeted use of visual aids and signage, we can train the next generation to better appreciate the Critical Spritz Distance and how to adjust for variables like uncooperative undergarmets or partial chub. I've already launched two very successful campaigns in this regard:
Laptop Sweaters
Do they make one with a Starbucks insignia? That way it could match my cup when I'm blogging for pleasepunchme.com
Don't let my dismissive tone turn you off from buying one of these. It could be perfect for you. After all, only you can know if your computer is also a preppy douche.
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